Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Risking my life for fun.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.