Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Bobby pin