@SamGirlSunday: Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
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@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
@daemonic3: *Buys map of world, pins up on wall* *Swears to visit wherever it lands* *Aims dart* Map: I have a boyfriend
@suntzufuntzu: Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning "Unknowing Android of the Year." "I'm not an android!" you protest. "Marvelous," she gushes