Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Stop sending me this shit.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.