Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Hit me in the face with a bird
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”