*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
i will not be silenced
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is