*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…