*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.