*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“I’m helping” 😅
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan