*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
yeah not falling for this one
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do