*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
You wish you had this many chins.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.