* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?