* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?