Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.