We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*