3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
never ask a starfish for directions
awesome draft from months ago i just found
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.