Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What