Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I get distracted pretty eas
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.