*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor