Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys