Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
You sure about that?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above