Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.