Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.