@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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@XAIMMadellynne: Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
@Danny_McH2O: I'm so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
@LoveNLunchmeat: [watching basketball] I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet. And that's how you get him to turn off the game.
@markedly: Finally thought of a retort to my bro's friend who kicked me from his car in 1998 I don't need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride