@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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@wittwitbarista: *text message* Cat: Slave, I'm missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I'm at work. Cat: find it.
@RandomAntics: Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
@AndyAsAdjective: terrifying if it really happened: the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth