@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh
@AaronFullerton: Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, "Yay! I won! Save the whales!"
@SortaBad: Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? "I'm not. that. innocent." *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
@LindseyEllison2: If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.