Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong