@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
@The_Grant_Boldt: "Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"
@Kyle_Lippert: A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"