@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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@SortaBad: *practices like 1000 times in the mirror* [at Starbucks] "One grander none-fatty flaparinno" barista: ... "I'll try again tomorrow"
@KelgoreTrout: "911 whats your emerge-" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
@SwirlySkittles: Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want- Him: Stop singing to the mustard Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him.