Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark