@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
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@iamspacegirl: You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why Emotion signals weakness to your enemy Be vigilant, my son
@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@genehunter1: I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.