Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.