Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
You Might Also Like
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.