Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
This line from Airplane.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
bro what is going on at twitter
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.