Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.