Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
You Might Also Like
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?