I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata