Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Are we there yet?…