“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails