I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous