Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I don’t make the rules sorry
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song