@StansaidAirport: Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@trevso_electric: Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she's a victim of Rachel profiling.
@McCutty1: *Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'
@TheTweetOfGod: Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners