@StansaidAirport: Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
@NervousJr: "I can't wait until this one orange erases years of poor eating choices." -me, dieting
@KyleMcDowell86: "Wanna see videos from my vacation?" *shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge "This is the wrong video" "No this is right"
@ErrenMichaels: *narrows my eyes at you suspiciously* *keeps narrowing them* *closes them entirely* [naps]