@StansaidAirport: Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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@jackiembouvier: Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
@Tuna_Lover: I took my turtle for a walk. It's been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.