Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”