Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
You Might Also Like
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?