*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.