Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
You Might Also Like
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.