@BadMikeyBad: My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.

@delusions_of: Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you'll still have herpes.

@JoeBerkowitz: I'd watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@nickmullen: I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don't feel bad about shoplifting

@dresspants: I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.