BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Favourite diary entry ever
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?