“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
No. YOU-buprofen.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”