[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.