Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You Might Also Like
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”