@theyearofelan: Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
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@ericacanrant: 911? Yes, I was making donuts and... yes, donuts... yes, I'll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!
@thetits: [Later, Snake sees a Lizard] Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously?? *God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
@FatherWithTwins: My 6yo wouldn't eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I...I just...I'm gonna need a min here.
@tastefactory: Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT