Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
how it started vs how it ended
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”