Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.