How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”