fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Growing up was a huge mistake
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on