Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
You Might Also Like
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults