Fidel Castro was alive?
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking