Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
when you don’t want to be too vague
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Duolingo getting serious.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
why isn’t he texting back
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.