Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.