@wendchymes: Fight club but just dueling neighbor's aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other's lawns.
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@Kennycruzin: When one squirrel says "I like to eat nuts", there is probably always another squirrel who says "that's what she said."
@djangogold: if you can't handle me at my worst, you're probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
@mc_funbags: People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
@RedBeard3000: Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking